Happy Birthday, Baby.

Our sweet baby would have been seven this year. SEVEN. Sometimes when I think about my babies I sob so hard I can't breathe. You know what I am talking about. The ugly cry. My heart hurts. It always will. Luckily those days are fewer and farther between. I am thankful for that. My week was crazy with all of the school activities. I was seriously exhausted Friday night. Staying busy helps. I haven't figured out a way to tell the kids about their siblings in heaven. I hope that one day I get the courage. 

Luke always does his best to comfort me and make me feel loved. This year for Valentine's Day he got me an old window that I have wanted forever, my favorite flowers, Dove Chocolates, Krispy Kreme Donuts and a trip to the spa. He brought me lunch at work and even cooked dinner that night. I gave him some money to go to an auction and a M&P 9mm pistol. We may have went a little overboard this year, but I think it is important to keep the romance in your marriage. It is so easy with kids, work and all the obligations to neglect your relationship. Luke is my best friend and I'm so lucky I get to spend every day with him. We have a wonderful marriage and are happier now than we have ever been. For that, I am grateful. I have so much love in my life. I am so incredibly blessed!

Happy Heavenly Birthday!

Last Monday our angel would have been 5.  It was Kinnison's first day of school, so we were very busy. I always try to keep myself busy so that I don't have time to sit around and have pity party. Well, yesterday I went for a walk at the park while Luke went to pick Kinnison up from school.  I always listen to worship music when I work out. About halfway through my first lap it hit me. I sobbed. Not necessarily because I was sad.  I was thinking about how wonderful a birthday in Heaven would be. I was thinking about if my Grandpa Lester, Papa, Granny, Uncle Steve, Grandma Veda, Grandpa Tom or Edith are taking care of my babies. I tried to imagine what they are like and who they look like. I read Heaven is for Real over Spring Break. It talked about this very thing. The little boy describes his sister in Heaven. His parents were shocked because they never told him about their miscarriage and they didn't even know if it was a boy or girl. Very inspiring. 

Anyway, I just wanted to take the time to say Happy Birthday to our sweet baby.  You are missed and loved very much! 

Perfect.

I was reading an article about Michele Duggar. You can read it here. She talked about the importance of grieving after a miscarriage and talked about a song that she liked to listen to. I listened to the song and it is absolutely perfect.

I Will Carry You

by Selah

from the album "You Deliver Me"

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

Happy Valentine's Day!

Luke bought me a present and showed it to the girls. They were supposed to keep it a secret. So, I showed them what I got Luke. I also told them that Daddy and I had a surprise for them. I said, "We all have secrets, don't we?" Kimber said, "Ya, rings, earrings". It was so funny! Needless to say, we exchanged our gifts early. Luke surprised me with diamond earrings on our first anniversary. Last fall I noticed that one of my backs was missing. Luckily I didn't lose the earring. The backs and posts were stripped out. We got an estimate to fix them and it was going to be over $100. I decided I would wait until gold prices went down. When Luke gave me my new ones I told him I didn't need another pair of earrings because I already had some that just needed to be fixed. But, when I compared my new ones to my old ones I decided to keep them! I got Luke a Timex Watch, Almond Joys and Reeses Ice Cream. He was happy. Here is a picture of my earrings. I love them!

I had a busy day today preparing for Kinnison's class party. I am very glad I am done with those for the year! Here are some pictures of my adorable kiddos.

Today is our baby's 5th Birthday with Jesus. Happy Birthday Sweetie! We love you and miss you!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Love,

Happy Anniversary!

Yesterday Luke and I celebrated nine years together, which doesn't seem possible. Honestly, every year gets better. Luke and I don't always see eye to eye. He loves to give me a hard time and I have gotten really good at giving it right back to him. We fight hard, but we love even harder. We aren't the same people we were nine years ago. I love him differently. I love him more, which I didn't think was possible. We have evolved into something much different. We are a crazy, chaotic, loud, sleep deprived team. Our daily routine resembles a tag team wrestling match. We are outnumbered, but I thank God every day that I have my three beautiful kids. I have the most wonderful life and I can't imagine sharing it with anyone else.

To celebrate Luke and I left Tuesday and went to Mt. Magazine . We stayed at the lodge. It was absolutely beautiful. We hiked the trail to the highest point in Arkansas.

When we stopped to take a picture Luke surprised me with a beautiful three stone diamond ring that I had picked out a few weeks ago. Luke never surprises me. He doesn't do romance. He rarely buys me things. I was SHOCKED. I am cheap and after showing him the ring I told he better not buy it for me because there is no way we can afford it right now. He did buy it and I love it. The whole time we were there it snowed. It was fabulous. We went to dinner at the Skycrest Resteraunt. The food was wonderful. We had an amazing view, a cozy fire and we were the only people there! That night we went to swim and we were the only people there too! It was an amazing trip that I won't ever forget.

Our trip wouldn't have been possible without my mom. She watched our little herd so we could go. THANK YOU!

On a side note, Michelle Duggar miscarried her 20th child today. I know that a lot of people don't agree with their way of life, but I think they are a wonderful family. They have done a better job with nineteen than most people do with one. Some of those people say, "there is no way they can give those children enough attention". But, so many people these days have different priorities. They may spend 40+ hours a week at work while someone else raises their children. The Duggars also support themselves instead of living off the government. I am not condemning either of those things. Do what you have to do. I just wish people wouldn't be so quick to judge others. I have seen some really awful comments on Facebook. Christian or not, please have enough respect not to kick someone while they are down. This miscarriage was not "a sign from God to tell them to stop reproducing". I miscarried my 2nd and 3rd child. If I had taken that as a sign and given up Kimber and Kanyon wouldn't be here. When I had my miscarriages I had people say some really awful things to me and they were trying to help. I cannot imagine going through it and having to deal with all the horrible, mean things people are saying. No matter if it is your 1st child or your 20th, you are 4 weeks or 20 weeks, losing a child is devastating. Please say a prayer for the entire Duggar family.

Hectic.

Things have been hectic around here. So, this will probably be a short update.

Kinnison is doing great in kindergarten. She loves going. She lost her 2nd tooth on Saturday. The tooth fairy brought her $5. She has two more loose teeth.

Kimber misses Kinnison when she is gone, but is loving the extra attention. The pediatrician only saw one tube this week. Hopefully she was correct! We are so ready for her tubes to be out. She got them last April!

Kanyon got immunizations Monday. He had 3 huge blowouts that day. At the end of the day he was naked because he pooped through 3 outfits. Luke was riding around Fayetteville in his undies because Kanyon pooped all over him. And, I had poop on my shorts. It was a wild day. Kanyon weighed 11lbs and 13oz . He gained weight last week even though he had a cold. He is 9 weeks old this week. I can't believe how fast the time is going by.

Saturday would have been our angel's 4th birthday. I was very busy that day which helped. It hit me hard lastnight though. Fran and I watched The Help and one of the characters had 4 miscarriages. It was heartbreaking and brought back a lot of emotions.

I am so blessed to have Kinnison, Kimber and Kanyon in my life. They are miracles!

Happy Heavenly Birthday, baby!

Happy Valentines Day!

We got the girls a stuffed animal, balloon and some candy. They were so excited! The best part is I got the stuffed animals half off last year after Valentines Day. They have been in my closet for a year! Bargains make me happy.

Today would have been our baby's 4th birthday. That doesn't seem possible. We lost our baby in July of 2006. It gets easier with each year that passes. I don't think about them any less, but I cry less often. I decided that instead of being depressed and eating a cake alone we would celebrate our baby being an angel in heaven. Luke bought us a delicious ice cream cake. I think Kinnison and I have eaten most of it. She definitely inherited my sweet tooth.

I am so lucky to have Luke in my life. He is an amazing husband and father. He works hard and constantly makes us laugh. I am so lucky that after being together for 9 years I can honestly say Luke is still my best friend. I love you Luke!

I have two amazing daughters, a baby boy on the way and the best husband in the world. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends. I am so blessed to have so much love in my life!

Happy Valentines Day and Happy Birthday to our angel!

Funk.

I am in a funk these days.

My Grandpa still isn't feeling well. I hate that he feels bad and is in pain. The doctors want to try a shock treatment to see if that will stop his heart from going into A-Fib. Hopefully it will work. If it works he will be able to stop taking the blood thinner that is causing other issues.

I still don't have a job. I have applied for everything out there; aide jobs, sub jobs, certified jobs and even a few at Tysons, NWACC and UofA. Hopefully I will find something soon. I am so thankful that I have a husband who is willing to work extra hard to make ends meet. He is totally supportive of me and I am so blessed to have him in my life.

Today would have been our baby's 3rd Birthday. Happy Heavenly Birthday. We love you!

Happy Valentine's Day

I can't believe that Valentine's Day has already come and gone. Luke sent me some beautiful long stem roses to work. He got the girls a teddy bear and balloon. I got them Tinkerbell candy and chocolate chapstick. They were in heaven. Lastnight Luke's mom came over to watch the girls. We were gone for seven hours. We had so much fun. We went shopping, ate at Outback and went to the movies. She planned on staying the night because we figured it would be a late night. This morning I woke up and made everyone breakfast. I made Luke and Robin an omelets. I tried to keep myself busy today. I worked on laundry, cleaned the house and even painted the stairway. Luke ran to town to get some parts for his truck and bought me a cookie cake and ice cream. After working all day I was starting to get sad, so we loaded up and went to Sonic for dinner and then drove dirt roads home. We saw a lot of deer. It was nice getting out of the house. The days leading up to and following February 14th and August 20th are always going to be sad. I think aboutmy babies often. The first baby we lost would have been 3 today. I am really trying not to dwell on the fact that they aren't here with us. I am going to celebrate them being in heaven. And, I am going to celebrate my two beautiful children. I am so blessed. Kinnison and I have been struggling to get along lately. She is really testing her boundaries. Even at her worst, she is perfect. She is beautiful, smart, compassionate and has a smile that could light the world. Kimber is beautiful, smart, funny and the sweetest thing to walk the earth. She kisses me a thousand times a day and I still want more. I have so many things to thankful for. Another bittersweet day...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Sad.

August 20th was the due date of the second baby we miscarried. I did pretty well that day. Kinnison, Kimber, work and school have kept me very busy, which keeps me distracted. I had a bad today and for some reason it hit me. I can't get it off my mind. A cookie cake sure would be nice about now. I have a lot of homework to do. But, I think when I am done I will watch a movie, eat some ice cream and remember our sweet baby.

Bittersweet

Valentine's Day is a fun day. It is filled with love, flowers and more importantly, chocolate. I have always enjoyed Valentine's Day....up until 3 years ago. The first baby I miscarried was due February 14, 2007. So, tomorrow Luke and I will watch a movie, I will devour an entire cookie cake, and I will be thinking of our sweet baby.

rambling...

It is a time to be thankful. I am so thankful for my girls. They are miracles and I am so blessed to have them in my life. I can't live without them. I know that. But, my heart aches. When we gather around the table or open gifts on Christmas Day, I miss my babies. I see Kinnison and Kimber and how they love one another and I imagine what it would be like if our other babies were with us. Medically it wouldn't be possible for all of my babies to be here together. I know that. But, I can't help but wonder. Kinnison was born November of 2005. I miscarried the first time in July of 2006. I misscarried the second time in January of 2007. Kimber was born February of 2008. I was pregnant or trying to get pregnant for over 4 years. To this day I have nightmares about losing each of my babies. I had to have a D&C with both miscarriages. I had nightmares that the baby had a heartbeat when they performed the surgery...even though I saw there was no heartbeat with my own eyes. ..a picture I wish I could erase from my memory. I felt guilty, confused, angry, sad and lonely. I didn't understand why my body let me down. What did I do to make this happen? Was I being punished? What little faith I had was gone. I am still not sure I comprehend WHY it had to happen. If those babies weren't meant to be, why create them at all? I guess I will never have answers to some of my questions. People were constantly telling me that God has a plan and that everything happens for a reason. I hated hearing that. After Kimber arrived, I understood. Kimber was supposed to be here. She has challenged me every step of the way. But, she has also brought hope and joy to my life. She has a very unique personality and I know that she is this world for a reason. So is Kinnison. They have both made the world a better place. Maybe that was his plan? My DD for our first angel was Feb 14 and my DD for our second angel was Aug 20. Kimber was induced Feb 20th. Isn't that strange? Maybe that is His way of showing me that everything DOES happen for a reason? I have known many people who have had miscarriages. Some could relate to me. Some couldn't. Sometimes when I talk about it, people get uncomfortable. I'm sorry if me talking about this makes you uncomfortable. But, it helps me. Tremendously. I do want to move on. I don't want to forget. My babies were real. I saw them. I loved them. I miss them.