It is a time to be thankful. I am so thankful for my girls. They are miracles and I am so blessed to have them in my life. I can't live without them. I know that. But, my heart aches. When we gather around the table or open gifts on Christmas Day, I miss my babies. I see Kinnison and Kimber and how they love one another and I imagine what it would be like if our other babies were with us. Medically it wouldn't be possible for all of my babies to be here together. I know that. But, I can't help but wonder. Kinnison was born November of 2005. I miscarried the first time in July of 2006. I misscarried the second time in January of 2007. Kimber was born February of 2008. I was pregnant or trying to get pregnant for over 4 years. To this day I have nightmares about losing each of my babies. I had to have a D&C with both miscarriages. I had nightmares that the baby had a heartbeat when they performed the surgery...even though I saw there was no heartbeat with my own eyes. ..a picture I wish I could erase from my memory. I felt guilty, confused, angry, sad and lonely. I didn't understand why my body let me down. What did I do to make this happen? Was I being punished? What little faith I had was gone. I am still not sure I comprehend WHY it had to happen. If those babies weren't meant to be, why create them at all? I guess I will never have answers to some of my questions. People were constantly telling me that God has a plan and that everything happens for a reason. I hated hearing that. After Kimber arrived, I understood. Kimber was supposed to be here. She has challenged me every step of the way. But, she has also brought hope and joy to my life. She has a very unique personality and I know that she is this world for a reason. So is Kinnison. They have both made the world a better place. Maybe that was his plan? My DD for our first angel was Feb 14 and my DD for our second angel was Aug 20. Kimber was induced Feb 20th. Isn't that strange? Maybe that is His way of showing me that everything DOES happen for a reason? I have known many people who have had miscarriages. Some could relate to me. Some couldn't. Sometimes when I talk about it, people get uncomfortable. I'm sorry if me talking about this makes you uncomfortable. But, it helps me. Tremendously. I do want to move on. I don't want to forget. My babies were real. I saw them. I loved them. I miss them.
2 comments:
My heart breaks for you, too... but you know that. I'm one of the people who can relate... and am sending you love.
I know you can relate. I am so thankful to have a friend like you. I am sending you love back.
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