Happy Birthday, Kanyon!

Kanyon is 3! How is that possible??

He is a tractor riding, dirt digging, bug catching, worm digging, sweet, funny, wonderful little boy. He head butts me and then kisses me. He tells me my fingernails are pretty when I paint them and mops up his footprints when he tracks in. He is pretty awesome. We are so blessed to be his parents! 

The company I used to make the kids' videos is no longer in business. I bought a program and love it. I made him a video and burned a DVD, but can't get it to upload here. I think it is too big. I'll keep trying.

12 Days.

It's been 12 days since my Grandpa passed away. It seems like eternity. There hasn't been a day go by that Kanyon hasn't asked to see him. He says, "Papa not here. He's in Heaven with Jesus. He's in a box in the dirt with a hat." There is no way for him to understand. They were best buds and he misses him so much. We all do. Grandma has been so strong. She's had a hard time sleeping at her house, so she has stayed at the farm a lot and Charity has stayed the night at her house a couple times. Grandpa and Grandma were married for almost 63 years. She wasn't alone very many nights. From the time Grandpa was hospitalized, to the time he passed away there was only 3 days I didn't see him...and I video chatted with him twice. We were there a lot. My Mom was there with her all day and Charity was with her at night. We all stayed the night the Friday before he died, so I can imagine how lonely her house is now. It has some difficult memories in it, so she plans on spending most of her time at the farm where they had so many happy memories.

I want to say THANK YOU to Luke.  He has always been there for my family. He did anything and everything my Grandpa asked of him. He loved him so much. When Grandpa was in the hospital Luke took all five kids so Charity and I could spend time with him. One day my Grandma had an appointment and Grandpa wanted my Mom to stay with him, so Luke took Grandma to the doctor. That same day he packed the girls their lunch, fixed supper, picked up lawn mowers and coached a softball game.He just made a beautiful flower bed at the farm for my Grandpa. It was one of the many things on Grandpa's list. He watched the kids many nights so that I could spend time with my Grandparents. He has been an amzing, supportive, loving husband. I couldn't have survived this without him!

Grandpa.

My Grandpa passed away early Sunday morning. It was his brother's birthday. I think he would be pleased with that.  It's been a long, hard, exhausting journey, so this post won't get the attention it deserves. I just don't have the energy to type it all out. We are thankful that he isn't suffering anymore and joyful that he is in Heaven with his loved ones. We are overwhelmed by the all the love and support we have received. Thank you for the calls, texts, emails, flowers, food, cards and prayers. We appreciate them!  He was an amazing man and the best Grandpa in the world. Life won't  be the same without him. 

Grandpa's last trip to the farm. 

Grandpa's Obituary

Happy Graduation Day!

Kimber graduated from Kindergarten today. How is that possible??

I was so worried about how Kimber would do in school. She loved it and did really well! Luke and I couldn't be more proud of her. She worked hard, learned so much and had tons of fun!  She is officially a big girl now. She is going into 1st grade! Special thanks to Mrs. Dougan and my wonderful friend Beth. Thanks for taking care of my baby! 

I just realized today that I didn't post their beginning of the year pics....so here they are. 

We Made It.

Grandpa wanted to make it to his birthday so badly. He did. I'm thankful for that! He made it to 86! His health has declined a lot this past week. Today he had a bad day. He couldn't breathe. He told my Grandma he didn't think he was gonna make it. He cried. I've never seen my Grandpa cry. Ever. So, just thinking about it makes my heart break into a million pieces. Luckily the rescue medicine helped. 

I'm so thankful for my Mom and Grandma. Their strength amazes me. My dad has some kidney stones and a bad infection. Last week he was supposed to have surgery, but the infection was too bad, so they put a stent in instead. He has an appointment tomorrow and surgery on Friday. I don't know how my Mom is doing it all. The year 2002 was a rough year for my family. We look back and laugh now, but I think this year might actually top it and it's only April! 

We had a Birthday/Easter celebration at the farm on Saturday. The whole family was there and lots of friends and neighbors came to show my Grandma and Grandpa love. We are so appreciative. He was exhausted, but it was a good day. He got to visit with everyone. The weather was beautiful. He got to see the redbuds and dogwoods bloom. It was a small victory. I do believe it will be his last trip to the farm and that is heartbreaking. That place is his home. It means everything to him. 

He's been having dreams about his brother, Joe and his son, Steve. I sure hope those dreams are a glimpse of Heaven. What a wonderful place it must be. That is the ONLY thing that gives me comfort right now. How wonderful it will be for my babies in Heaven to meet their Papa. 

Please, please, please pray for my Grandpa.  I don't want him to be scared or feel any more pain. Pray for peace and comfort for him and my Grandma. Please pray for my Mom who has been with them every step of the way. She's keeping us all above water.

We hired a photographer to take pictures at the party. I'll post them as soon as I get them.

Love,

Worn.

I have so many wonderful people in my life. I've had so many people text and call to check on my Grandpa. I know that finding the right thing to say in these situations is hard. It's hard to comfort people going through situations that we haven't been in ourselves. If you took time out of your day to ask about my family and try to comfort me. I'm grateful for you! I'm so thankful for everyone that has called, texted, commented and prayed. I love you and appreciate you more than you know. I've had lots of people ask if there is anything we need. All we need is prayers. Please pray for peace and comfort for my Grandparents.

I am grateful for every single second I have with my Grandpa, but that doesn't mean that the time I have with him is good. I've been told that I should be grateful I'm getting a few more memories, but you see, these aren't memories I want to keep. My Grandpa isn't himself. Every once in a while we get a glimpse of his humor or get him to laugh, but most of the time he is depressed. He sleeps a lot. He gets upset easily. He talks about his death. He hears us talking about his death. We're helping my Grandma plan for his death.He is pain. His hands and feet are turning black because of lack of circulation. They've tried everything to make it better, but there is nothing left to do. We have to help him get dressed and help him to the bathroom. My big, strong, independent Grandpa, my hero, is weak. He is suffering. He hates that we have to help him like we do. I hate it for him. I'm grateful that I'll have closure, but watching him go through this long, painful experience is heartbreaking. Congestive heart failure is ugly. If he is lucky he will slip away in his sleep, otherwise,  he will slowly drown when his lungs are filled with fluid or have a stroke. I'm praying he will make it until his birthday on April 21st. He will be 86. Some people will say I should be grateful for 85 years. Honestly, my Grandpa could live to be 110 and I would be just as devastated. You see, when you love someone it doesn't matter how young or how old they are or if they died suddently or suffered for a long time, you still lost them. The thought of living without them seems impossible. Unbearable. I'm not ready to lose him yet and the thought of it takes my breath away. 

I've loved this song for a while, but it has new meaning now. I'm worn. My heart is heavy. Some days I don't feel like I can even get out of bed. I'm thankful for a supportive husband. He loves my Grandpa just as much as I do and he understands what I'm going through because he has lost three grandparents of his own. I don't know where I would be without him and I'm so grateful for everything he has done for my Grandpa and Grandma. 

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Thanks again for the prayers. Please keep them coming.

Spring Break 2014

We spent the past four days at the Buffalo River. Kanyon calls it "Buffalo Beach". It was a much needed getaway, but I hated being away from Grandma and Grandpa. We've visited them every day since Grandpa was hospitalized. We visited with them before we left Wednesday and stopped on the way home Saturday, so we only missed two days, but it was still hard to leave. They were planning on coming to visit us before Grandpa got sick. He said he wanted to see the elk one last time and we really wanted them to see the Arkansas Grand Canyon. There was no way he could make the drive though. We got to show it to them via FaceTime. Mom said they enjoyed it. I'm just thankful they got to with us last spring break and last fall. I'll never forget our time with them there. 

We stayed at an awesome cabin; Arkansas Buffalo River Cabin. Jay and Marci were so sweet. A logging truck ran over a water line so we didn't have water for a day and the weather was crazy, but we still had a blast. The first day we hiked part of the Cecil Cove Loop. We had fun, but decided we didn't want to cross Cecil Creek 4 times with the kids. The next day we made a big loop through Jasper and stopped at the Grand Canyon. It was cold and foggy. That night it warmed up so we hiked down to Paige Falls and Broadwater Hollow Falls. The kids loved this area. Luke asked the girls what they would pay him to jump in and Kinnison pushed him  in. He went for a nice cold swim! We had a good laugh. There was a chance of rain on Friday, so we got up early and drove back to Jasper to hike the Roundtop Mountain Trail. At 3.6 miles it was one of the longest trails we have done as a family. It was a beautiful hike and we really enjoyed it. I'm sure we will hike it again when the kids are older. After the hike we decided we would just eat in Jasper. We ate at a little cafe and stopped for ice cream afterwards. Luke's Mom and her husband came to stay with us Friday night. Saturday morning we went to Triple Falls and then we went to Lost Valley. The water was high on Saturday because of all the rain Friday night. It was really hard to get pictures because of all the mist and the bright sunlight. We had a picnic at Lost Valley. That place was packed! It was the busiest I have ever seen it. I could write a whole blog about the different people you see hiking that trail. It is a great place to people watch. It wasn't nearly as enjoyable with all the people. I think we will continue to go there during the off season. On the way home we stopped at Shave The Planet for some shaved ice. It was the perfect ending to a great spring break trip!

The kids got along so well on the trip. Seriously. It was so relaxing and we had so much fun. We made lots of wonderful memories. I can't wait to go back!

Beginning Of The End.

This post is going to be hard to write, but I started this blog to document the ups and downs. Last Monday we found out that my Grandpa would be leaving the hospital and placed on hospice. It's a long story. I'll start at the beginning. The Friday before my Grandma called the ambulance because Grandpa couldn't breathe. By the time the paramedics arrived he was feeling better. They told him to see his regular doctor. We got an appointment at 10. I called in to work so I could help Mom out. I took Grandma to her hair appointment at 10 and Mom took Grandpa to his doctor appointment. I met them there. Grandpa couldn't walk into the clinic and by the time he got to the room his oxygen level was 89% (while on 3 liters of oxygen). Dr. Blankers looked at him and said he was calling an ambulance. Mom went with him to the hospital and I went to get Grandma. She was in the middle of a perm, so we had to wait. I packed her a bag for the hospital and got her lunch. She hated not being with him. After almost 63 years of marriage they are insperable. I have to say that my Grandma is amazing. She has taken such great care of my Grandpa. In the ER they did all kinds of tests. They thought he had pneumonia. We later found out it was fluid on his lungs and he was officially diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure.  It was the beginning of the end. Saturday night he was looking and feeling so much better. He was laughing and telling dirty jokes. It was so nice, but short lived. Sunday he was building fluid back up and wasn't feeling well at all. They tried a new medicine, but it didn't work. Monday we got the news that he would be going home on hospice. Talk about a blow. I sobbed. My heart literally hurt. I'm 31 years old and I don't have very many memories that don't have my Grandpa and Grandma in them. My life has been spent with my Grandparents at our farm and on vacations. I am so unbelievably grateful for the time I've had with him, but I want more. I'm selfish. I know that. They could live to be 100 and it still wouldn't be enough time. I've always tried to repay them for the amazing life they've given me. I've been to the doctor with them, went to the hospital with them, taken them to appointments, bought them groceries, and visited them weekly. I have always tried to be there for them. I've always said I would have no regrets. I don't. I know that they know how much I love them because I have showed them. I know this phase of their life is hard. They are in pain. They have lost most of their family and  friends. I don't want them to be lonely. I want them to know that they are loved and appreciated. I want to take care of them like they took care of me. We've been planning their funerals for a while now. They bought their tombstone many, many years ago. I actually have a picture of Grandma decorating it. We've had many scares. We've tried to prepare ourselves, but you can't prepare for these things. Grandpa's always had heart problems, so I expected it would be sudden. I never, ever imagined that it would be this long, slow process. It's heartbreaking.

One of Grandpa's dying wishes was to see the farmhouse project complete. We all went to the farm on Saturday. It was a decent day and he got to watch us complete it. We will always have work to do, but the new metal and trim is complete! He was so happy and so grateful. I will cherish those memories forever. We had a lot of people help us out, but the house would have never gotten done if it weren't for Luke and my Dad. They did an amazing job.

All we can do now is make him feel comfortable and loved. I don't want him to suffer, but it would be amazing if he lived until his birthday on April 21st.  He will be 86. 

Please pray for my family.

                                         

                  

 

                                     

Happy Birthday, Kimber

Kimber is SIX! She has changed so much over the past year.

I'm so proud of the beautiful yound lady she is growing into. She has really come out of her shell this year. She has made a lot of friends and is doing so well in kindergarten. One word to describe Kimber: MESS! She is rotten, but she is sweet, kind and unbelievably funny. She is an amazing little girl. We are so blessed to be her parents!

Tonight was the Daddy Daughter Dance. 

The girls looked beautiful. Luke looked pretty good too! Nohing hotter than a good dad! 

Here is Kimber's video:

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!

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